Since the last posting on soccer camps we were able to finish up what I felt was a successful week of camps. Kids were crazy, but I am bit crazy too so it worked out. This week we have off from camps since it is July 4th weekend coming up... This break will be nice and much needed.
Our season so far has been going alright, we sit in 5th position in our region with 6 games left. We are still very much in the run for post season and within reach of the top of the league but we'll have to stop drawing our matches and start getting some wins. Currently our record is 3-2-5... I've been playing well and have been floating around in positions on the the field from defense, to midfield, and even forward... Coach has told me that playing the Utility role is a bit tough on a summer team with lots of new players every year, and I've noticed where he comes from. Still I feel I have grown a lot as a player and a "sports minister".
I've found myself getting pretty stretched between trying to juggle friends, work, and soccer... Unfortunately yesterday I was reminded about something that tends to wear me down real quick. People pleasing. I struggle with saying "no" and as a result get buried in things to do/people to please. I understand that I can't please everyone, and that I shouldn't live to please people but to please God and God only... yet for some reason I still struggle with saying "no" to people, especially when they are trying to do something for me. Which seemed to be everyone yesterday since it was my birthday.
I am not a fan of birthdays, well I love other people's birthdays but I struggle with my birthday. I have never been one to organize or lead any sort of big celebration and am very content on being in the presence of good company, hang out or maybe dinner. But because I never know what I want to do on my birthday, or what I want when people are trying to do something for me... since they still want to do something for me, I've just made it more difficult on them and myself. That is what happened yesterday with trying to accommodate all those who had me in mind, and unfortunately my host family got the brunt end of my craziness. I'm sure my host parents were a bit more understanding, but I struggle with letting kids down and not being here for the birthday dinner they had planned for me would, in most cases, fall in that category.
So since then I've been wondering why it is I struggle so much with people pleasing? Or if it's just that I can stand someone being disappointed in me? It has to be disappointment, because anger doesn't bother me. Probably because if someone is disappointed in me (or I feel I have disappointed someone if they really aren't) it probably means I have "failed" on some level. I also struggle with failure, I hate failing. However without failure it would be awful hard to get grow or respond to life as we are challenged. God doesn't want us to fail, in fact C.S. Lewis says that God wants just the opposite, that God desires to make us perfect. Not only that, but He would... if it wasn't for us always getting in the way. Someone once prayed for me that God would "Help me fail..." or better understand what it is that God wants us to take away from our failures that shapes us into a more useful tool to do His works. 4 years later I'm still working on it... And I probably will continue to work on it for a very long time.
These were just some current thoughts that I felt putting on paper would do me some good... I know that failure is inevitable... that I am not perfect... but it is also something that I easily forget.
Thank you all again for your prayers and support... We have a game coming up wednesday and I've been seeing quite a bit of playing time, pray that I stay healthy and that I can be used by God wherever He has me... Blessings!
-Cyrus
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